“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”


*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

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Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?

Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber

C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.


That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.



6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out


Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.


Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.


Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.


The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids


Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?


*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!