@BrassBallsCJ Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
@Brianhopecomedy “Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
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@BrassBallsCJ 
@urgeekisshowing That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
@DaddyJew Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
@rickolantern Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
@sucittaM Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
@ummmmmmmmmmmbye boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
@Gupton68 The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
@AnkCoupleTO Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
@Rollmaninoz *Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!