doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
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ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind