Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.