Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
You Might Also Like
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Get off my horse you stupid moon
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken