DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case