Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
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me irl
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
i think both sides are to blame here
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp