doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
The smoothest fall of all time
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.