Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
the clam before the storm
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.