Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!