Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
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Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster