DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
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Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.