doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
You Might Also Like
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.