doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
WHO DID THIS?
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.