Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
You Might Also Like
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..