doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
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COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
rapatouille
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie