Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”