Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Doctors texting each other.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
bought wrong eggs
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“you recording!?”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.