doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
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6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.