Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
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Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
back to work
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Me trying to “trust the process”
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”