Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
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*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift