Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Where’s my employee discount too?