Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
that’s really how it is
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.