Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
WTF
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find