Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
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[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Always 🥴
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word