Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
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They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership