@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

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@robfee

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

@Reverend_Scott

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

@T_N_Crumpets

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

@KyleMcDowell86

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

@david8hughes

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

@LostFelicia

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

@AmishSuperModel

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

@Sultani_Sails

Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.