Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
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Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.