Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
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The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Childbirth is so beautiful
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?