Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
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M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
craving $300 all of a sudden
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife