doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
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A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up