Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
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Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.