doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies