Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads