doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
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Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Not my job 😂
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.