Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
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[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.