DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
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Two types of dogs.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
We found love in a hopeless place.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Have a lovely day 😊
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.