DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
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it’s a van. how do they not know this
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.