Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
You Might Also Like
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas