DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?