@ToriTheMom Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
@fowlerism DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
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@ToriTheMom 
@HallpassCanada The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
@AimeeHelene1 When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
@AndyAsAdjective Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
@AndyAsAdjective Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
@Contwixt “I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
@Home_Halfway Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
@DaveTheAlbino I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
@Brianhopecomedy The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
@FattMernandez Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.