Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
😂🤣😂🤣
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this