@Kauaibride

Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.

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@StupiDucker

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

@HMittelmark

Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.

@CornOnTheGoblin

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

@DurtMcHurtt

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

@brennadine

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

@furbyburglar

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

@leechee420

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

@BrettDruck

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.