Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Growing up was a huge mistake
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.