Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I only treason on days ending in y
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2