doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
All food is good if you spell it wrong
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
i wish we could shoplift online
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!