Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
This could be us… but you playing
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?