doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
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What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke