DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.