DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

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[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.


*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”


“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.


Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.


Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.


Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”


Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.


My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.


If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.


Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be


Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.

Who’s ready for music?

Not you.

You have tetanus