Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.