DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”