doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.