Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
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A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
english majors be like furthermore
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕