Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
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My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.