DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
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I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I needed a laugh this morning.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.